Lactose Intolerant
by Lycthem
Summary: Link and Malon are best friends, you understand? [one shot]


July 21, 2003

**Lactose Intolerant**

The trials and tribulations of being the best friend of a sweet idiot

It was a long walk from Kakariko Village to Lon Lon Ranch, but Link took it with all the calmness in the world.  He was deep in his thoughts and ignored the calls from a bunny-eared man and a lovely Hylian woman passing by. In fact he was so deep in his thoughts he was startled when he looked up and saw that not only was it night but that he was mere steps away from the ranch's entrance.  Shaking his head at his absentmindness he entered and prepared himself to what was to some inside. 

A few days ago he had, unintentionally of course, said something to Malon that made her, first, look at him in disbelief, and second, run away stomping. He didn't understand what was wrong with her, but shook it off as something she was prone to doing. After a few days had passed he noticed that she was in fact really mad at him, and that he would have to apologize. 

"Mr. Talon is Malon home?" he asked the short man, while approaching him. Talon turned around and upon seeing Link he smiled widely. 

"Link, son. It's been a while since you've been around. And how many times have I told you to just call me Talon. Mr. Talon. Humph. Makes it seem like I'm some old has been. Er, I think Malon is in her room right now, but be careful. I think she's in one of her moods.  Don't know why though…" he said breaking off. Shrugging he continued, "Oh well, see if you can find out for me, she hasn't been tending to the cows and that's not good. They don't really like being handled by anyone other than her.  Oh well, go on in, son.  I have to finish cutting this wood."

Link smiled and was about to tell him he was holding the saw wrong and it would take double the effort to but, but upon hearing a muffled curse from inside Malon's room, decided to hurry up. Talon would figure it out anyway. 

Opening the door he looked around. The house always felt homey to him and he was sure it was all Malon's doing. Somehow he couldn't imagine Talon or Mr. Ingo decorating the place. He saw Malon's door was opened and quickly hurried. The faster he was done with this whole apology thing, the quicker he could get on to more fun and important things. 

"Malon?" he said cautiously from the door.  She was leaning besides her bed, her back to him, scribbling fast into a small notebook. When she heard his voice, she closed the book, and turned around quickly. 

"What are you doing here?" she said frowning.  She threw the book under the bed and continued to look at him. 

"I came here to apologize." He said lowering his gaze to his boots. 

"Oh." She spoke "You came to apologize. That's so thoughtful of you. Really." He looked up at her sarcastic words and leaned his head a bit to the side in confusion.  "Do you know _why you're apologizing?"_

He almost snorted at that question, but then looked back. He didn't. "Uh..."

"Right. See. It's very easy to apologize if you have no idea what you're apologizing for. Do you have any idea how rude it was? Do you?"

"No, but if you would just tell me…"

"_I have to tell you... wait, let me get my special hat so I can _sit_ here and __tell you what you did __wrong so you can __apologize."_

"That would be nice." He said softly. 

"Link." She said standing up. "What am I going to do with you?" She sat on her bed and then patted the area besides her. Link walked to her and sat down. "You can't just say stuff like that and then not know what you said. You have to remember people have feelings. Come on, how would you like it if someone called you a cow?"

"B-But..." Link spluttered. "I didn't mean it in a bad way. You were just showing me that new dress and it had spots. So naturally the first thing that came to mind was that you looked like a cow." 

She rolled her eyes exasperated. "But that's not polite. You _do know what a cow is? I mean, you can't possibly be __that thick-headed."_

He glared at her and said. "Of course I know what a cow is.  It's a big, spotted animal-"

"-That's it. Big. What you say someone looks like a cow, you're saying that person's fat." She said indignantly, her hair jumping a bit when she gestured. 

Link laughed at her words, "But Malon, come on. Everyone knows you're not fat.  I was just saying that because it looked like cow skin. You're very pretty, really. And thin. Yeah, you're way thin."

"Yes, well. I'm only forgiving you because it's boring without someone to talk to." She said looking at him with a raised brow. "Just remember, if you call me cow again, you won't have eyes left because I will personally throw an arrow right through them."

He stood up and said chuckling, "You? You have terrible aim."

"Oh, you just wait." She said standing up and following him as he quickly left the room to avoid her hitting. "I'll show you just how in target I can hit."

He quickly went down the stairs and out of the door, passing a tired Talon without a second glance. Oh he knew how well she hit; it was just fun to see her all riled up. She looked cute. Looking back he saw her trip on her skirt and glare at him. Laughing he continued jogging out of her way. Yep, things were going to be okay. 

*

The non stopping shaking of the bed woke him up from his precious sleep, and so it was logical that he end the cause of the problem. Cursing his existence, or rather the existence of the root of his problem he held up a hand and took the person doing the bothering by the waist and pinned her to his side. _What the hell do you think you're doing waking me up at such an inhumane hour disturbing my sleep and everything I wantyoucrazygirlwithnothingtodo._

"What do you think you're doing?" he said instead. Somehow he wasn't up to saying too much at the time.

"Oh, come on Link. It's already 8 and you're still asleep. This is a ranch. You have to wake up at six. I was lenient." She gasped out, while trying to escape him. "Come on, I give."

He loosened his hold on her and sat on the edge of the bed.  Yawning he turned to look at her and she winked. 

"We have to go milk the cows." She said decisively. 

"We? That sounds one person to many." He said standing up and looking for his hat. 

She turned around and picked up something from the other side of the floor and threw it to him. The hat hit him in the back and he turned and narrowed his eyes at her. "Thanks."

"Yes I said we. It's your fault they aren't milked so you have to help me. Now come on, there's much to do." She got up from his bed and took his hand. "Thank the Goddesses you slept with your clothes. It'll make it all much quicker. Don't think I have the patience to wait for you to get changed."

"Well, I learn from past mistakes." He said to her while they walked out the door and towards the cows.  "Don't want no molesting."

"Hey!" she said blushing and letting go of his hand. Poking him in the shoulder she said, "That was one time and it was completely accidental."

"So you say." He countered. She gasped and narrowed her eyes. 

"Well, that's final. You now have to milk Big Elba."

"Big Elba? Are you-" he was cut short however when she threw a pair of gloves at his face. 

"And get to it."

_Sheesh, you're barely out of bed and she already has you doing the hard work. Thank Faore I'm not the one who's going to marry her. _

"And watch what you say, Fairy boy. You're on your way to voluntarily asking my father to clean the stables."

_Shit, I said that out loud?_

"Sorry." He put on the gloves and went towards Big Elba. The biggest cow in the place, she was the most temperamental and prone to kicking. Taking a big sigh he sat on the small bench. The things one does for friendship.

*

"Can we go now?" he said looking at bottles and bottles of the famous Lon Lon Milk placed near Malon and well away from him. Malon was pasting the ranch sticker on them and placing them carefully on the floor away from the cows. It had been a while since they started milking the cows and now that they were over Link's hunger had grown more than he could stand. 

"Malon, are you even listening to me?" He tried again from his corner. "MALON!"

"Huh?" she said distractedly. "What is it?" she asked once she put the final bottle on its place. 

"Can we go now?" Link repeated.

She nodded and stood up. "Yeah we can go now." 

When he reached her at the door he put a hand on her shoulder and asked worriedly, "Are you okay?" She took a few seconds to answer but then with a strained smile she said, "I'm fine." 

She sped up and walked ahead of him and he frowned. Something was wrong with her, but what? He hadn't said anything bad to her; in fact they had a nice time. It wasn't _that_ time of the year, and he couldn't possibly think of what was wrong with her. Still frowning he saw her go into the house to prepare the meal. He would find out what was wrong with her. If he was sure of something it was that he didn't want her to be unhappy. His expression sombre, he followed her in. 

Malon as usual prepared a delightful meal. One which they ate in silence. Talon was doing some business somewhere in Castle Town, and Mr. Ingo was one of those who preferred to eat alone. So after a few unsuccessful starts at a conversation Link decided to just give up. 

Something must've upset her in the time she was milking the cows, but he couldn't think of what. After all, you are your worst enemy, and if she was thinking something that made her upset, unless she told him, he couldn't find out. He didn't even bother asking her, because she hated being prodded. Picking up some meat with his hands he ate it, so deep in his thoughts he didn't notice Malon hadn't made a comment about his lack of manners. 

"Do you ever think of doing something else?" she asked breaking the silence. 

He looked up at her and shook his head. "No, why?"

"No reason."

He went back to his eating and heard her sigh. 

"Go on tell me."

"It's not important really." But the way she said it spoke more than her words. 

"Okay then, don't tell me."

"I can't tell you anything if there's nothing to tell." She snapped. Holding his hands out in defence he shot her a look. 

"I didn't mean anything by it."

She dropped her fork on the plate, and putting her hands over her face said softly, "Sorry. I don't know why I keep lashing out at people. It's like someone's taken hold of me and makes me say things I don't want to say."

Link was silent for a moment then spoke as if everything was clear, "Maybe Ganondorf is trying to-"

"Oh, Link, come on. Be serious." She choked out lowering her hands. Rolling her eyes she continued, "Don't say such stupid things! Just forget it. Never mind."

"But this is important to you."

"Well," she said irritably while standing up. "If you're so quick to joke about it, maybe me and my problems are not important enough for you." She finished glaring at him and ran up to her room. 

He stared at the spot she had occupied for a few seconds and blinked. _What was her problem now? He finished eating his portion and took her plate from the other side. He knew she didn't eat when she was mad and there was no reason to waste perfectly good food. He had expected her to come down before he was done, but a few minutes after he was finished, she was still in her room. Deciding it was better to find out what was wrong before she got really mad and chased him out the house; he piled the plates on the table and went to her room._

Unlike the day before, she was not writing on her notebook, but she was seated on the floor next to her bed. He once asked her why she did that and she had answered that sometimes she liked sitting on the floor, it was colder, and … she then paused as if all reasons had escaped her mind and looking at him moodily said, '_because I like to.'_ And he left it there. He knew when it was not wise to mess with her. Well, sometimes. 

When he entered the room she immediately looked up at him but kept her face somewhat blank. He liked to indulge her from time to time making her believe that her indifference mask really did work, and it did... mostly. Her eyes were too expressive and ended up telling the whole story. He walked to her and sat on the floor besides her. Neither of them spoke for a while, both sitting calmly, if a little awkwardly, Link looking at his hands; Malon playing with her dress. 

He knew he was the one that had to start talking. And he knew he hadn't done anything wrong. This was probably one of Malon's weird tempers that he had decided long ago not to make too much fuss about, and he had been with her at the wrong time. Then again, he could invent many reasons for her behaviour and though he would probably stumble across the truth, it would take much less time, and effort, to just up and ask her about it. Even if she did pop at being prodded. 

Sighing at the absurdity of it all, Link finally looked at Malon. She was still not looking at him but he didn't mind, she was going to listen to him either way. 

"Look Malon, I don't know what you're going through, even _if you're going through something, and if you are then I wouldn't know because, obviously, you're not talking to me. And we spent all those days not talking because of the cow thing, which was completely stupid, and if we're going to stop talking again, could you at least let me know what we're not talking about because I think I've been kept in the dark too long. You should-"_

"-Shut up Link-"

"-know better, after all you're the _smart one_ and if-"

"-shut up, Link-"

"-you don't tell me what going on, how am I supposed to know what's going on-"

"-Link, Shut Up-"

"-so I'll go on not knowing, and you'll go on not talking and then we'd be horrible friends and OUCH-"

Tired of being ignored, and taking matters into her own hands, Malon slammed her pillow into the back of Link's head.

"Why did you hit me? Is this some sort of joke?"

"I said shut up." She repeated, and hit him again. Any other time, Link would've thought she had gone mad; Malon's pillows were sacred to her. But the smile on her face was not at all reassuring and when he saw the pillow coming back for a third time he tried to block with his arm. Looking around for something to hit her with he found himself at loss, and leaned to pick up something from her bed-

-only to be smacked again in the back by the mutant pillow. 

A small one-sided pillow fight ensued, with Link trying to escape Malon's pillow attacks and Malon ginning mischievously. When it was over they were both looking at each other, Malon sitting over Link's stomach, laughing now that the earlier happenings were put aside. 

"Are you okay now?" Link asked. He didn't know what was wrong earlier, but since Malon was so quick to forget it, maybe it really was nothing at all. Or it was something they would discuss some other time.

Nodding at him, she smiled. "Yes, I really needed that."

After a bit more staring, Link smiled and said, "You know, if I'm not mistaken this is the part where I'm supposed to kiss you."

Stare. Blink. Smile.

"Oh no. That's just wrong." Malon said laughing and rolling around, now lying on the floor next to him. 

Link chuckled, "I know, sorry. I just had to get you off me. You weigh like a million horses. Just kidding." He added quickly once he saw the look on her face. 

"You're lucky I don't wish to injure you further today." She said in return. Rolling his eyes, he shoved her. He waited for her half-hearted shove back, and was surprised when she shoved him so hard he rolled around. _Crazy freakishly strong woman._

*

"You're by bestest, bestest friend. Did you know that? My bestest, bestest, _bestest friend in __all Hyrule."_

Link rolled his eyes at the lithe red head in next to him, even though she couldn't see it, and continued walking. They were slowly approaching the border of Lake Hylia for a day out, and Malon had decided that she hadn't showed her appreciation for him in a long time. Therefore, she had decided it was time to tell him all he meant to her. 

"You're my sun, my stars, my moon, and my… what's the thing that shoots in the sky that's not a falling star?" she asked.

"A meteorite?"

"No the one with the tail..?"

"..A comet?"

"Yes! My beloved comet, the shine in my eyes. You make everything beautiful, you're my missing Link."

He groaned. "Oh, Malon. That was bad, even for you."

She smiled sweetly at him and just answered, "I know." 

She started spinning in circles, the basket securely in both her hands, going ahead of him and laughing. Once she was before him, she turned around and started waking backwards so she could look at him while she spoke. 

"Oh my dear loved one; tell me when I'm too near the edge. You'll warn me, won't you, my bestest friend?"

"You already passed the edge on insanity. I don't think there's much hope for you now."

"I love you –humph." 

He really would've warned her of the slope if he had noticed it. Really.

"That _hurt_. Help me up Link. Now." Then again, maybe not. He pulled her up, and looking a bit rumpled but fine, she continued the walk without the sugary comments. Once they arrived to the little island in the centre of the lake, and had been comfortably sitting down in peaceful quiet, Malon spoke up.

"Why didn't you warn me?"

"I didn't notice it in time." He answered back quickly.

"Hm." She said, but dropped the subject. 

Silence.

"But still you could've-"

"I would've."

"Hm."

"But you already knew that." 

"Hm."

"Fine."

"I think that-"

"Okay, _now_ you're just being difficult." Link said throwing his hands up. "You know as well as I do that I really would have warned you. And if you start saying that you think I really wanted to see you fall, well I didn't. Or maybe I did. Who knows?"

Malon looked at him for a few seconds before turning towards the basket and picking up a biscuit.

"I was going to say it was time for a biscuit, my bestest, bestest friend. But if you want to vent out, go right ahead."

He sighed closing his eyes, then opened them again. 

"Give me the biscuit."

"No, you don't want it."

"I do. Give it to me."

"You just want it because I have it."

"Malon, just give it to me."

She made a big show of biting it and, making sure Link saw her, she licked it so he wouldn't take it from her hand. _All mine_, she mouthed at him. At first it he was going to take the biscuit and eat it just to spite her, but then he decided to grab the basket next to her. Once he did that, he was going to take out one for himself and eat it, but for some reason unknown to him, he threw the basket into the lake. The throw wasn't hard, and the basket landed right side up and floated away and between the island and the coast. 

"Oh that was smart, Link." Malon said once she got over the shock of what he had done. "Really smart."

He had no idea what possessed him to do it. All he knew was that if Malon wasn't planning on giving him any biscuits, then she wouldn't eat either. The fact that she was holding one in her hand, he hadn't taken into consideration. They both looked at the basket sailing slowly, and then he turned his gaze to the biscuit in her hand. She felt his stare and bit it. Knowing she had his attention she slobbered it again and then turned to him thoughtfully. 

Still munching she said holding it up to him, "Biscuit?" 

Before he could stop himself he slapped it out of her hand and it landed on the grass next to them. Knowing her as he did, he knew she would still eat it, and shoved it towards the lake. They both stared at it, half over, half under, until the fish came and ate it. When only a few bits were left he looked at the basket still in the middle and heard her sigh.

"You're so stupid."

"So are you." He responded. 

Ignoring him, she went on, "But you're my bestest, bestest friend and I love you."

She stood up and looked at him. Knowing that she expected him to stand up as well, he stood up and she grabbed his arm and made it point towards the basket's general direction, "You see that there?" she said. "That basket has more than two dozen biscuits." He grimaced at what he thought she would say but kept quiet. "Now, I spent a lot of time making those little buggers, and I don't want them floating on some lake. I made them to eat them. You understand?"

"Yes Malon, I understand. Your point?"

"Go get them Link." She said forcibly, and once she did she let go of his arm, and pushed him into the lake. 

The water was cold, and he was sure he swallowed more than was healthy, but that didn't stop him, once he came out, from scowling at Malon. 

"Yeah, yeah, Link. Go get the basket." She instructed and sat down again. "My bestest, bestest friend." She said as an afterthought. 

In the lake, freezing cold, his clothes adding unnecessary weight, Link went to get the biscuits. Because, really, once the biscuits were safe, there really was nothing keeping him from dumping her in the water. Nothing at all.  

**The End**

Disclaimer: Nothing Zelda related belongs to me, no profit is being made, and no, I do not intend to keep any of them. Really.

Because I wasn't satisfied with the last chapter of _Save Me from the Dark_, here's something else to mull over for the next few days. If one can actually mull over this. ^.^

I know the title really has nothing to do with the story, but that was the whole point. I think. I don't know, I just really liked it and I'm in a weird mood and it seems to fit for me. Also, any weirdness in the story, I blame on my ear. It's been hurting the whole day and since I'm going to the doctor tomorrow it wants to inflict weird things on me. Blame the ear, but I like it. The story. ^.^  


End file.
